Perhaps it would be best to apologize now to any WWII veterans who may accidentally be reading this, as I intend to continue to draw analogies between a bloody battle where many brave American lives were lost and what should realistically be called a really lovely weekend during which I was happy.
However, now is not the time for realism (yuck) or history (yuck) we're talkin' bout Valentine's Day (yay!). A day of ridiculous expectations, unrestrained consumerism and unbridled romance (yay, yay, yay!)
Now in our first Valentine's day as a married unit, just as in many other "firsts" we've shared, there is a certain inherent expectation. A standard setting, if you will, for this will be the Valentine's Day against which all others will be judged. In other words, now is not the time for small, or subtle or subdued lest I spend the rest of my life saying, "Wow, honey. This Valentine's Day was even more subdued than last year. Yawn. Let's stop having sex."
Some of you who are "doing the math" as they say, may be wondering, "What about Valentine's Day last year? How did you mark the occasion in 2009?"
The answer to that question is "poorly". Last year we got into our first serious argument. It's a very archetypal argument, for us. This is the one in which I end up sounding like an outrageous slut and he ends up sounding like an uptight Catholic. That's what we did last year, thank you very much for asking.
All the more reason to plan ahead for this year. Since I've got nothing but time on my hands, I did a little Internet research and was surprised to find a number of women in the Mommy Blog category who claimed not to care about Valentine's Day. I was stunned, my misconceptions we're shattered as I read time and time again things like "Everyday is Valentine's Day when you're married to the man you love." Or even more sickeningly, "I have the kind of husband who brings me flowers throughout the year, so Valentine's Day doesn't really matter to me."
To that sentiment I say "VARGUS". "Vargus" on you people (Uncle Richie). Everyday is not Valentine's Day, everyday is everyday and VALENTINE'S DAY is February 14th, get a calendar! And if you have the kind of husband who brings you flowers throughout the year then you really should tell him to stop because that is a ridiculous waste of money. The recession may be technically over but we're not all about to go out and snort cocaine off the hoods of our new Lamborghini's! Let's show some restraint.
Fine, fine, fine who am I to tell you how to spend your money? Waste it on flowers and hookers and water bottles at the movies if you want to. But even if everyday was Valentine's Day at my house, it most certainly is not by the way, I would still want something just a little bit special on the day when everyone else in society is being gay with the ones they love. I'm all for shunning unnecessary social conventions (we did get married on a Wednesday after all) but this one happens to be nice and harmless and just fun! And besides, I don't have a husband who brings me flowers unprovoked. I have a husband who "breaks shit and kills people for a living", and I like it that way just fine (CSM Felt 12/09).
For the record he hasn't actually broken anything or killed anyone yet, unless you count the loofah that allegedly "fell apart as I was using it normally" he said.
Now like any successful military campaign this one began ahead of time and with some well placed propaganda. Wary of repeating the horrible tragedy that was Christmas 2009 and New Year's 2009 and aware of the risk of sinking back into the listless fog of regret I had so recently come out of; I became adamant that we "do something" to mark the occasion. He protested, he whined, he played dumb, he dodged questions and he groaned when pressed for ideas. I persisted.
Finally, after much prodding, it became clear that the situation was hung up on "I do actually love you but just really don't know what to do" and not the dreaded "I don't actually love you and therefore would like to do nothing" as the tiny insecure voice in my head would have me believe.
On Friday night, we settled on a course of action. Saturday night I would be treated to a restaurant meal (in the civilian world) and a small card. Sunday night, I would have the pleasure of cooking Cornish game hens and watching Gone With The Wind at my leisure throughout the day. Perfect, negotiations concluded amicably, both sides left satisfied and prepared for what was going to be expected of them in the days to come.
But just like any military campaign, it is the "unknown unknowns" that hold the power to turn the tide (VP Cheney, 2/02 ). Or ruin dinner, in this case. Stay tuned for Part 2 of V-Day 2010, As Successful as D-Day 1944, as this post is already exceedingly long and I am in need of a nap. If I can get my act together, I'll include some pictures, but don't get your hopes up.
Happy Monday:)
Footnotes
"Vargus"
Character on Seinfeld episode, "The Bizarro Jerry"
Coined as a curse by my Uncle Richard.
CSM Felt 12/09
At a "Welcome to Fort Hood" meet and greet at the Backbone NCO Lounge, CSM Felt delivered a very rousing and enthusiastic welcome that included use of the word "hooah" 738,302,751 times.
VP Cheney 2/02
"As we know, There are known knowns. There are things we know we know. We also know. There are known unknowns. That is to say we know there are some things We do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns, the ones we don't know we don't know."
-Feb. 12, 2002
-Feb. 12, 2002
Department of Defense news briefing
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