Mood Swing Christmas

From the ages of zero to 10, I thought the holidays were totally freaking awesome and I had no problem telling anyone who would listen, what I wanted for Christmas. I was completely into it, the whole situation appealed to me. Christmas, Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, and New Year's were a stellar line up my childhood brain could get behind. I didn't necessarily "believe in Santa" but I damn well believed in parties, lights, feasts, presents and general merriment.

I never counted Halloween as part of the holidays because, historically, my costumes never turned out the way I wanted. Halloween was always bittersweet for me.

From the ages of 10 to 20 (lets do this in nice even increments) the doubt, cynicism, and sarcasm so unfortunately common to my adult personality began to creep into the holiday season. My eyes saw a little more than the presents and deviled eggs, past the garish decor and silly traditions. And so the season slowly lost its glossy appeal.

I wouldn't consider this unnatural, or even out of the ordinary. I'd say, with scientific certainty, that probably, about 127% of people's feelings about the holidays change. Their roles eventually shift from the adored child, center-stage, showered with presents and glitter to the stagehand behind the scenes making sure the fake snow falls on cue. The shows just not the same, from the Prima Donna to the Costume Girl; it matters where you sit when it comes to

Christmas.

This Christmas, I had nosebleed seats. I almost sat outside in the cold, pouting.

20 to 25 was characterized by being consistently broke. The holidays, I'm sure you've noticed, fall directly in between the Fall and Spring semesters and directly in between Fall and Spring financial aid allotments.

So, after a monumental year of graduation, marriage, two moves and the ever looming threat of deployment you'd think my emotions could handle anything. Apparently anything but being away from home for Christmas. The only way someone can go from being head over heels in love with the holidays to disdainful and unaffected is if the holidays are still around to be disdained upon. In my case, I thought I was disdainful and unaffected but after a week of mood swings, I can now diagnose my problem as one of privilege. I've always had the privilege of rejecting Christmas, the privilege of being annoyed at all the cheer, the jammed parking lots, the forced hugs and the nonsensical light displays.

This year, I did not have that privilege. Christmas wasn't around for me to make fun of. This year I had to make my own Christmas, all by myself, and it was just medium.

So this year, I had a self-made C+ Christmas. This year I cooked with borrowed utensils and we ate on a folding table. I did 4 rounds of dishes and watched TV.

Next year, we may not get a tree, we may not put up lights but you can be damn well certain that we'll have a ham thats ready at the same time as the side dishes.